WHAT IS SEXUAL ABUSE?

Sexual abuse is the term used to refer to any incident that causes an individual to feel sex-related shame. It includes sexual molestation, incest, rape, and much more. These terms include subtle and isolated incidents, as well as obvious and continuing experiences. Sexual abuse affects victims of both genders. The Legal definition of: Incest is sex between family members, the victim usually being a child under the age of 18. Sexual Molestation, or Abuse, also involves a child victim but is not between members of the same family. Rape involves force or violence and may be directed against a victim of any age.

The Emotional definition of Incest is the sexual abuse by any person in a position of authority or responsibility for a child. This definition reflects the same sense of betrayal and violation of trust experienced by those survivors under the legal definition; the recovery process is the same.

Partners, or Pro-Survivors, of sexual abuse victims are even further removed from the experience and need only understand its damaging effects. The duration or type of abuse makes no difference.

Physical molestation includes obvious and easily recognized acts of sexual abuse. Some of the most common are oral sex performed by either party, vaginal or anal intercourse as well as vaginal or anal penetration with fingers or objects, which many consider to be rape. Physical acts of sexual molestation also include manual sexual contact or stimulation and masturbation by either individual. In some cases children are induced to have sexual contact with animals. A little less obvious is fondling or sexualized touching of other areas of the body and inappropriate sexual kissing and hugging.

Children need to be touched, cuddled, kissed and hugged in nurturing and appropriate ways. In healthy families there is a clear distinction between appropriate and inappropriate touching.
Dysfunctional families with confused, unclear boundaries allow touching to be inappropriately sexualized, which children experience as sexual molestation. Other physical acts that can become sexual molestation are excessive and stimulating tickling, erotic or bare-bottom spanking, intrusive or unnecessary enemas and excessive personal involvement in toilet training.

In addition to physical acts, there are kinds of sexual abuse that do not involve contact. Voyeurism and Exhibitionism are examples. Obvious Voyeurism is peering through windows or displaying explicit pornography; less obvious is looking through open doors and refusing to respect a family member’s privacy in dressing, bathing or using the toilet. Exhibitionism is the opposite of voyeurism, and occurs in many of the same situations. It is sexual gratification experienced by exposing one’s genitals in an inappropriate way. Healthy adults take care to model privacy and protect children from the sight of adult nudity and sounds of adult sexual activity.

Verbal Sexual Abuse is another type that can also have a shaming and damaging impact on children. Obscene telephone calls can be frightening and shaming, especially when children are not allow age appropriate sex education or discussion about anything sexual. Young children can also be damaged by being exposed to crude sexual jokes, inaccurate sexual information, or too much sexual knowledge too soon. Sexual abuse also includes sexual threats, graphic descriptions and other inappropriate sex talk.

The Key Characteristic of sexual abuse are lowered self-esteem, and imposed shame.

Sexual abuse does not occur where there is respect for the individual’s identity, boundaries and self-esteem. When these are violated the victim (who had less power in the first place) feels responsible for the violation, loses self-esteem and takes on the shame.

Adapted from: Ghosts in the Bedroom, by Ken Graber, MA, Health Communications, 1991