FLASHBACKS: Curse or Blessing
The worst part for me, were the flashbacks. I felt as if I were going crazy. I didn’t know what was happening. One moment I was fine, the next, I felt emotions that I couldn’t identify. Was it fear? What made me afraid? Or, I would suddenly get so angry, but I didn’t know why. Nothing happened that would have upset me. Or, I would suddenly feel like crying, and I was not a crier. Or, I would be someplace and all of the sudden, felt claustrophobic; I just had to get out of there. Or, I’d be happy, then suddenly. . . I didn’t know it at the time, but I was experiencing Emotional Flashbacks.
Sometimes, I would see flashes of a memory that made no sense. I wasn’t even sure I had seen anything; I couldn’t recall what I had just seen. What the heck was going on? I just didn’t know what was happening to me. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was experiencing Visual Flashbacks
Another type of flashback I experienced was, Body Flashbacks, sometimes called Body Memories. I might feel as if someone put their hand on my thigh, but there was no hand there. Or, the way my husband held me that I loved last night, tonight filled me with fear and dread, and I didn’t know why.
Visual Flashbacks, which in the beginning were just snaps of memory, began to lengthen. Little by little, I’d see more and more. Then, finally I’d see the whole memory. When I began to recognize a specific memory, which I had buried in the back of my mind, I was shocked by the information it held.
In the beginning, it would take me up to 3 months to work through a flashback. I could not eat. I did t not sleep well. I had nightmares. I was often disoriented. Flashbacks affected every aspect of my life. It became the screen through which I lived my life. I, who was an extravert, became an introvert. I did not enjoy people the way I had all my life. Up until then, like (I think it was) Will Rogers said, I never met a stranger. Now, I was afraid and suspicious of everyone, especially men.
Before I began having flashbacks, I was known for my friendliness. I was a pastor’s wife, and an office manager for a retreat facility near Chicago. I enjoyed both positions. I loved the people of our congregation, and I enjoyed talking to all the people who visited the retreat facility. People used to tell me, “You are always smiling”, and they would smile too.
After I began having flashbacks, I did not feel as friendly, or like smiling. I thought flashbacks were a curse! Not only was I incested, but now I was reliving the pain. Nevertheless, I put on a good front and no one seemed to notice.
After I was grown, I began talking to a therapist. I thank God for good therapists and counselors! I had some that were not very good. They did not last long. I finally found a very good one. I praise God for her! I also went to a support group for incest survivors, which helped very much. To hear my own secret thoughts, and thoughts I didn’t realize I had, come out of someone else’s mouth was astonishing! I believed that I was the only one who felt, thought, reacted that way! Finally, there was someone else who went through the same things I had. I understood them, and they understood me in a way no one else could. I also thank God for the therapist who led our group. She was such a blessing.
As I said before, it would take me up to 3 months to work through a flashback. Over the course of several years the time to work through a flashback took less and less time: from 3 months, to 2 months, to 1 month, to 3 weeks, to 2 weeks, to 1 week, to several days, to 1 day, to a few hours.
As often happens during a prolonged healing, it took a toll on my marriage, and we divorced. After a few years, I married Juan and he has been my biggest supporter in the healing process. My daughters have also been right there, encouraging me and supporting me all the way. I also had several friends who supported me, listened to me and believed me, even if they didn’t understand what I felt. The more support one has, the quicker the healing is accomplished. As Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear one another’s burdens.”
What I have learned about flashbacks – emotional, visual and body – is that, frightening as they are, they are God’s way of gently showing us some horrible thing that happened to us, that we were not have been able to deal with when the abuse occurred. When incest happens to a child, and children have very few coping skills, they often bury or forget that particular abuse, and the next one, and the next one, and…
To be healed from incest, one does not need to remember everything that happened. God brings up only the memories needed, to heal and restore the victim to their God given identity and purpose, for which He created her or him.
I have come to think of flashbacks as a friend. I have come to welcome them for the information they provide. I began to ask myself:
What is the information this flashback is showing me.
What emotion(s) did I feel during this flashback?
How do I feel about this flashback now?
What lie did I believe because of the information in this flashback?
I have come to realize that flashbacks are not a curse, but a blessing.
Pastor Aggie DeJesus
Gentle Ministries, International